A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc.
A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily.
When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"
Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others." he is told by the doorman (say his name is Pete). Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So Pete leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first roommate. He has an IQ of 180!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"
"And here is your second roommate. His IQ is 150!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That's Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last roommate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where to you think interest rates are headed?"
97.3% of all statistics are made up.
Did you hear the one about the statistician?
Probably....
TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING THE MATH HOMEWORK
I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
Isaac Newton's birthday.
I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.
I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee.
I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.
Definitions of Terms Commonly Used in Higher Math
The following is a guide to the weary student of mathematics who is often confronted with terms which are commonly used but rarely defined. In the search for proper definitions for these terms we found no authoritative, nor even recognized, source. Thus, we followed the advice of mathematicians handed down from time immortal: "Wing It."
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| CLEARLY: | I don't want to write down all the "in-between" steps. |
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| TRIVIAL: | If I have to show you how to do this, you're in the wrong class. |
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| OBVIOUSLY: | I hope you weren't sleeping when we discussed this earlier, because I refuse to repeat it. |
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| RECALL: | I shouldn't have to tell you this, but for those of you who erase your memory tapes after every test... |
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| WLOG (Without Loss Of Generality): | I'm not about to do all the possible cases, so I'll do one and let you figure out the rest. |
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| IT CAN EASILY BE SHOWN: | Even you, in your finite wisdom, should be able to prove this without me holding your hand. |
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| CHECK or CHECK FOR YOURSELF: | This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time. |
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| SKETCH OF A PROOF: | I couldn't verify all the details, so I'll break it down into the parts I couldn't prove. |
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| HINT: | The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof. |
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| BRUTE FORCE (AND IGNORANCE): | Four special cases, three counting arguments, two long inductions, "and a partridge in a pair tree." |
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| SOFT PROOF: | One third less filling (of the page) than your regular proof, but it requires two extra years of course work just to understand the terms. |
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| ELEGANT PROOF: | Requires no previous knowledge of the subject matter and is less than ten lines long. |
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| SIMILARLY: | At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before. |
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| CANONICAL FORM: | 4 out of 5 mathematicians surveyed recommended this as the final form for their students who choose to finish. |
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| TFAE (The Following Are Equivalent): | If I say this it means that, and if I say that it means the other thing, and if I say the other thing... |
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| BY A PREVIOUS THEOREM: | I don't remember how it goes (come to think of it I'm not really sure we did this at all), but if I stated it right (or at all), then the rest of this follows. |
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| TWO LINE PROOF: | I'll leave out everything but the conclusion, you can't question 'em if you can't see 'em. |
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| BRIEFLY: | I'm running out of time, so I'll just write and talk faster. |
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| LET'S TALK THROUGH IT: | I don't want to write it on the board lest I make a mistake. |
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| PROCEED FORMALLY: | Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning (popular in pure math courses). |
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| QUANTIFY: | I can't find anything wrong with your proof except that it won't work if x is a moon of Jupiter (Popular in applied math courses). |
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| PROOF OMITTED: | Trust me, It's true. |
"The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics is that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize all those people."
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means something entirely different.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence. The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design. The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed 'We can assume the length is infinite...' and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it. The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said 'I declare myself to be on the outside.'
An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality.
A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations.
A mathematician doesn't care.
When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:
A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land.
A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there.
An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the other ... er, um ...
'God does not play dice with the universe.'
-- Albert Einstein
'Albert, stop telling God what to do.'
-- Niels Bohr
